Why I Really Don't Like Christmas.... Every Other Year
Christmas used to be my very very favourite time of the year, along with birthdays. What kid would say any different? Even as an adult, I used to love it. Not just the gifts, but being with friends and family, people I loved was just magical. The gifts were obviously a great part, but not the main part. The food, the cosy nights watching silly TV, eating chocolate and drinking alcohol (as an adult) at random times of the day, all days blending into one and watches and clocks forgotten. Visiting people and staying up late, I loved it all. Even when I moved to the Netherlands, every Christmas we (or I) would go back to the UK. It didn't used to be really celebrated in the Netherlands in the nineties, it was all about Sinterklaas on the 5th December back then. It became more popular in later years, but not to the extent that we would celebrate it in the UK.
Then NJ came along and the magic moved to a whole new level. Letters to Santa, reindeer food, magical experiences; we once went on a Santa steam train. Christmas movies, our own family traditions, plus many old ones. Then when he was five, I left his dad. His dad never cared much for Xmas - Sinterklaas was the big thing in his family growing up. I suggested that he spent the 5th with NJ and I the 25th. He disagreed, so it became every other year for Christmas, alternating with New Year. The first Christmas, his dad insisted on having him as I was the one who had broken up our family. I agreed. That wasn't too bad then because he still slept at our house on Xmas Eve, opened his gifts the next morning and his dad would come over for a late breakfast and then take him to his house. I would count the days and hours until I got my little boy back. It all worked pretty ok, but there was a hole when he was gone; that's not just at Christmas, even now.
Then we moved to Qatar and it was 'my turn' for Xmas. His dad asked me to have his son that first Christmas away as we had moved. Again, I agreed. I can't even remember what I did. It wasn't important. Christmas is about spending it with people you love and I couldn't. It ruins everything. I have amazing family and great friends and I'm welcome at a number of locations and houses but it's not the same. I just want to crawl under a stone and wait for him to come back. People don't get it, I get several 'bah humbugs' thrown my way each year. I'd love to avoid other people, especially children when mine isn't around. It really really hurts.
This year, NJ wanted to go to Holland for Christmas and New Year as his baby brother was due on Boxing Day. Of course it's OK sweetheart, of course I don't mind (I was crying inside)… he flew off on the 22nd December. I was pretty OK with it, I thought. I had plans to go away with someone and avoid the whole happy family Xmas thing.... until I was... I guess you could pretty much call it 'ghosted' or not, I'm still not sure to this day actually it's all a little surreal. Really really bloody hurtful in any case, I really didn't deserve it I'm sure. In any case, the decency of an explanation was the least I could have been given. So there I was. Invitations from all my happy family friends and I just felt sick and wanted to escape Christmas and everything associated with it. In the end I took myself off to India to a great retreat just for four days. I met an amazing lady who was there alone and we enjoyed each other's company, greatly! With hindsight, ten days would have been better. I needed to get away. I avoided having to pretend to love the whole Christmas experience - which I do love when he's with me - and I did yoga on the beach and ate Indian food. No Christmas Carols, no movies, no gifts, no anything remotely Xmassy (we did our Christmas before NJ left). Did it clear my mind? No! That will take time. Did it help my physical health? Yes, I needed to start exercising again. Did it make me miss my little boy less? No, but it was easier not being around family and friends who don't understand why I hate it and I really wouldn't want them to. If they knew how it felt, then they would be in the same situation as me and I wouldn't want that for any of them.
Anyway, ten days later and he's on his way home. I don't pray and I don't believe in God but I ask in my mind to 'keep him safe'..... I'm not sure who I'm talking to. My heart aches to see him, we will have words before the clock strikes midnight. I try so hard not to but it's so difficult when he comes back... a story for another day.
Happy New Year all of you lovely people, 2018 had a really tough ending for me for many reasons. Tell people you love them, keep your close people close. Enjoy life and be kind.
xxxxx
Then NJ came along and the magic moved to a whole new level. Letters to Santa, reindeer food, magical experiences; we once went on a Santa steam train. Christmas movies, our own family traditions, plus many old ones. Then when he was five, I left his dad. His dad never cared much for Xmas - Sinterklaas was the big thing in his family growing up. I suggested that he spent the 5th with NJ and I the 25th. He disagreed, so it became every other year for Christmas, alternating with New Year. The first Christmas, his dad insisted on having him as I was the one who had broken up our family. I agreed. That wasn't too bad then because he still slept at our house on Xmas Eve, opened his gifts the next morning and his dad would come over for a late breakfast and then take him to his house. I would count the days and hours until I got my little boy back. It all worked pretty ok, but there was a hole when he was gone; that's not just at Christmas, even now.
Then we moved to Qatar and it was 'my turn' for Xmas. His dad asked me to have his son that first Christmas away as we had moved. Again, I agreed. I can't even remember what I did. It wasn't important. Christmas is about spending it with people you love and I couldn't. It ruins everything. I have amazing family and great friends and I'm welcome at a number of locations and houses but it's not the same. I just want to crawl under a stone and wait for him to come back. People don't get it, I get several 'bah humbugs' thrown my way each year. I'd love to avoid other people, especially children when mine isn't around. It really really hurts.
This year, NJ wanted to go to Holland for Christmas and New Year as his baby brother was due on Boxing Day. Of course it's OK sweetheart, of course I don't mind (I was crying inside)… he flew off on the 22nd December. I was pretty OK with it, I thought. I had plans to go away with someone and avoid the whole happy family Xmas thing.... until I was... I guess you could pretty much call it 'ghosted' or not, I'm still not sure to this day actually it's all a little surreal. Really really bloody hurtful in any case, I really didn't deserve it I'm sure. In any case, the decency of an explanation was the least I could have been given. So there I was. Invitations from all my happy family friends and I just felt sick and wanted to escape Christmas and everything associated with it. In the end I took myself off to India to a great retreat just for four days. I met an amazing lady who was there alone and we enjoyed each other's company, greatly! With hindsight, ten days would have been better. I needed to get away. I avoided having to pretend to love the whole Christmas experience - which I do love when he's with me - and I did yoga on the beach and ate Indian food. No Christmas Carols, no movies, no gifts, no anything remotely Xmassy (we did our Christmas before NJ left). Did it clear my mind? No! That will take time. Did it help my physical health? Yes, I needed to start exercising again. Did it make me miss my little boy less? No, but it was easier not being around family and friends who don't understand why I hate it and I really wouldn't want them to. If they knew how it felt, then they would be in the same situation as me and I wouldn't want that for any of them.
Anyway, ten days later and he's on his way home. I don't pray and I don't believe in God but I ask in my mind to 'keep him safe'..... I'm not sure who I'm talking to. My heart aches to see him, we will have words before the clock strikes midnight. I try so hard not to but it's so difficult when he comes back... a story for another day.
Happy New Year all of you lovely people, 2018 had a really tough ending for me for many reasons. Tell people you love them, keep your close people close. Enjoy life and be kind.
xxxxx
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